If you're a good man, you'll be sure to have many if not all of the following qualities...
You want to be giving and serve the people around you - everyone, no exceptions!
You'll avoid fighting and having conflict with people - can't we all just get along??
You'll strive to be mindful of other people's needs and prioritise those needs
You're willing to reconsider your position on things - we can't always be right.. right?
You don't make a big deal about your problems. Why bother others with our crap?
You want to help your partner grow as a person - you can see their pain and only want them to be happy
You don't get angry. What's the point? You take the higher ground and resolve things peacefully.
If this is you, my friend, then well done! The world is full of mean, stupid and dishonest people. And you're clearly not one of them, are you?
Or are you?
The one with the big grin plastered permanently on his face. Mr Happy. Mr Nice Guy. With that big old smile, you're not angry are you?
No you're not. Because actually, you're completely seething with murderous fucking rage, aren't you? But then it's probably so deeply buried even you don't know it's there.
It must be infuriating to feel like everyone's needs are more important than yours. Deep down you know that's not true, and in speaking you may agree that we have to prioritise ourselves at times. But in reality, you don't live that way. Your 'serving' of others is actually a denial of your own needs.
Choosing not to fight or engage in conflict when it's not the right course of action is a noble trait for sure. But that's not why you avoid conflict is it? It's because you want everyone to like you. All. The frikkin'. Time.
How you must die a little inside every time you pretend that you're wrong so you can avoid making the other aware of their own error/flaw/stupidity. You know you're right, that's why you formed that opinion in the first place. But hey, best not to ruffle feathers, eh? "Let them think they're right... it doesn't affect me".
Apart from at night when you go to bed knowing you didn't stick up for yourself and that the other person sleeps soundly 'knowing' that you were wrong... that they won and you lost.
Yes... that's the feeling. You know it well. But you just go and bottle it up. Don't bother anyone with that. You deal with it. By yourself. By burying it, waaayyy deep down there. With the rest of it.
Now you can best serve your partner. The one you 'rescued' from unhappiness. The one who needs you. Feels nice to be needed, right? Because how can they abandon you when they need you so badly? You, the rescuer. The superhero.
But the truth is, you're a villain. Not a superhero. You don't put people first. Your weakness comes first. It's what causes you to be so dishonest about how you feel, about who you are. It's why you manipulate to get what you want instead of making an honest, fearless, heartfelt request. It’s why you select partners who have their own weaknesses, their own vulnerabilities. You select them because you know they can easily become dependent on you. They’ll never leave you, abandon you, reject you. But they come with their own issues don’t they… and how do you handle those? You don’t. You just do what you do best; deny your needs and feelings or get them met through manipulation.
And if you can stand to hear the truth, let me also tell you this…
It’s not your fault.
I see you. I know you. Because, brother, I used to be you. I too got fucked over when I was too small to protect myself, just like you. And I too fucked people over as I lived from the weakest, undeveloped parts of me.
It wasn’t your fault when somebody who was supposed to be selflessly living for you made you feel responsible for their feelings. They quite likely didn’t know what they were doing either, as they lived from weakness and poor emotional development.
It was maybe the seemingly small things. Telling you to stop crying. Leaving you to cry it out, all alone. Asking why you’re so sad, so angry. What’s wrong with you? Maybe when you got sad, they got sad. Maybe they just were sad, all the time. And how the fuck can little you handle seeing your protector be unhappy? Best to just never be sad yourself, eh? In all your beautiful innocence, you didn’t want them to be unhappy, did you?
And who can blame you for that?
Who can blame you for wanting happiness in your home? For not wanting your protectors to be sad or angry, for not wanting to have love taken away from you?
For the human child, being starved of love equals death. Abandoned, he has zero chance of surviving in the wild. And so if love and freedom to feel isn’t given unconditionally in the earliest stages, the survival instincts kick in. And the little person develops ways to ensure love is no longer taken away.
And you’ve been using those ways ever since.
I see you. All of you. The Mr Happy Nice Guy, the angry inner you who knows he’s been done wrong, the little you who was failed by his protectors. And I also see the you you’ve never met before, the strongest version of you.
There’s the you who feels. Feels the anger at injustice, feels the sadness at the loss, feels the love he wasn’t supplied with. The you who can give himself the hugs he wasn’t given.
There’s the you who can not only feel, but show those feelings. Without fear of having love taken away, because you don’t need others approval to feel valid, you are free to live from those feeling in any given moment. This you can, with a completely open heart, without himself withholding love, look another in the eye and say “No”.
Because there’s the you, who knows it’s not his fault. Who knows he’s worthy of love and is loved. And now can love, fearlessly.
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