Today I Saw Some Stuff...

Today I saw some stuff.

Stuff that made me feel the full weight of a deep wounding that exists in the world.

Specifically, the misunderstood masculine

For a moment, I felt like metaphorically injecting myself with testosterone and lifting weights until I turned into The Hulk.

Something more men today than ever before are actually doing…

And often from the same place of grief (whether they realize it or not).

But I didn’t do that.

Instead, I cried tears in the form of words:

*************************************

To the good man

Train your hands for war and prepare your fingers for battle
So that you may protect your people
Even when those people mistake you for the enemy

Put your purpose before all else
So that you may serve your turn in this lifetime
Even when your devotion is painted as selfishness

Steady your gaze and stay the course
So that you may see your mission’s end
Even when you are tempted with the trap of comfort

Keep your spine straight and dig your toes into the earth
So that your integrity stands erect
Even when you are invited to bend

Keep your eyes wild and your teeth sharp
Lest you dishonor the nature you were born from
Even when they try to rip you from her bosom

Speak from your belly when upholding truth
So that you fill the room to the rafters with your voice
Even when pointing fingers smear you with lies

Know when to shield your heart, but always keep it open and filled with love
So that you never become what you have been accused of
Even if it’s only you who knows it

To the good man…
Be
And do not apologize.

The Husband's Quiet Secret

I'll tell you a secret about us men 🤫

Many of us secretly enjoy the fact that we don't get recognized for all we do.

Especially at home / with our families.

This is the masculine archetype of the Quiet Father.

He goes to work, earns money for the family, fixes things, and keeps things physically running in the home.

All of which is quietly expected of him, and which he receives little praise for.

When the kids are upset, they'll run right past him to get a hug from their mother. Because she is the first person they think of in those moments.

They draw nicer pictures (and more often) for her than they do for him.

Christmas is for them, then their mother, and then him, in that order. Sometimes, even pets come before him. He rarely asks for gifts.

He doesn't often get asked how he's feeling, if ever. At the very least, his inner world is certainly the least important of everyone's in the home.

And there are fewer photos of him than anyone else in the home.

Here's the secret...

He's not just quiet because of these dynamics.

He creates the dynamic with his quietness.

The truth is...

Those of us who resonate with this archetype take pleasure - a quiet pleasure - in it all.

They take satisfaction in seeing their families thriving. And quietly, maybe even subconsciously, pat themselves on the back for the role they played in making that happen.

On a more shadowy note, they take a kind of smug pleasure in the lack of recognition, knowing they'll only be fully appreciated after they die.

Men not receiving recognition is a worldwide subject that is, thankfully, getting talked about more often.

The thing you won't hear very often, is that some men secretly enjoy it.

***

Note 1: My sense is that the number of men who resonate with this archetype is shrinking. It is a VERY masculine way of being, and masculinity itself has in recent decades weakened immensely.

Note 2: Yes, there are women/mothers who also do not get recognized. You don't need to tell me in the comments.

Note 3: This kind of stoicism isn't necessarily the 'healthiest' way of being for men. But... the world we live in was built almost entirely by Quiet Fathers. The construction site is where you'll find the highest concentration of them. Also, if you compare the Quiet Father to his polar opposite man - the Drama Queen Dad - most people will choose the Quiet Father every time.

Clients on Demand Mini Documentary

Instant Inspiration

Friday. 08:57.

My morning coffee is disturbed by the ding-dong of the doorbell, followed immediately by knocking on the door.

The classic delivery driver ring/knock combo.

Putting my beloved beverage down, I grumpily make my way to answer the door for this well-practiced routine.

I do not like human interaction in the morning. Especially when I am not yet adequately caffeinated.

Through the frosted glass I see the blur of a fluorescent yellow vest that confirms its a delivery man.

Deep breath in, forcing myself to smile a bit in preparation for some obliged pleasantry, I pull the door open.

I am stunned for a microsecond as I discover my delivery man is not a man, but a woman.

An amazingly present, pleasant, and joyful woman.

I look down to where my parcel would normally be - already on the step as the delivery man is already making his way back to his vehicle.

But there is nothing there. And she is not trying to get away.

She is standing there, making full eye contact, smiling broadly, with the box in her hands.

She passes it to me in a way that seems like she is so genuinely happy to be the one to bring me this amazing thing that is going to make me so happy.

And suddenly... I am.

But not because I'm so excited about this box containing organic beef tallow and a digestive enzyme supplement.

It's because of her. Or specifically, her energy.

Suddenly, even without enough caffeine yet, my morning just brightened.

And just like that, in about 3 seconds, this woman's energy changed my own.

Without knowing anything about this woman, except for what she does for work, I am instantly a fan.

Enough so that I am creating this post as a natural response to her energy.

I can respect her for being willing to do the hard work of driving all around town jumping in and out of her car, knocking on doors all day while sticking to deadlines.

But nothing brings more INSPIRATION to someone's heart - especially a man's heart - as the joyful, radiant happiness of a woman who is genuinely enjoying a moment of giving

The Smell of Hard Work

There are a few ways in which I feel quite wolf-like, as a man.

One of these is my sense of smell; it’s extremely sensitive.

I remember once when I was in high school as we were all emptying out of the classroom at the end of the day, someone had left a book behind. There were only a couple of us left in the room when the teacher asked if we knew to whom this book without a name on belonged to. Like a weirdo, I smelled it, and instantly identified its owner.

As I continue to develop a sense of realness in my life, including getting closer to nature and away from industrialized living, I’ve come to realize I have very little tolerance for aftershaves and colognes.

My body has a strong ‘no’ response to all perfumes, no matter what fancy brand produced them.

And yet I’ve still liked the idea of smelling ‘manly’.

After throwing out all my expensive smelly things three years ago, I’ve searched for something natural to replace it, including playing around with essential oils myself.

In the end, I finally found the smell that works for me…

It’s the smell of the grass I just cut.

The leaves I just burned.

The WD-40 I just used to fix that squeaky hinge.

The boiled linseed oil I just used on that axe handle.

The pine needles from the Christmas tree I just brought home.

The leather pads I held for my son who I’m teaching to box.

The dinner I just cooked for my family.

Shoe polish.

Firearms.

Leather.

Metal.

Wood.

Earth.

Sweat.

Life.

These are my new favourite scents. And while I was originally tempted to say they all come for free… the truth is they are extremely expensive.

Because they are paid for in skills.

Some of which I learned from my parents, who learned them from theirs.

Priceless.

The Cheating Man

I really wish men would stop cheating.

Not because I'm in a position to judge. I've been that guy in the past.

And not because in my work with women, I get to witness firsthand the devastation that infidelity creates.

But because it's so painfully weak.

That's what upsets me the most - to see yet another man so possessed by the Nice Guy / People Pleaser syndrome that he let it obliterate his, his woman's, and his kids' lives.

Man...

If you're in a committed relationship and you feel the hooks of another woman start to sink into your heart (or peepee), here are your options:

1) Pull the hook out, take a cold hard look at your marriage, and yourself, and find out what's really going on. Something's broken, so do what men do best - fix it. You aren't happy, find out why, do something about it.

2) Leave. Get real about your life, align with your purpose, and if your current relationship truly doesn't support that purpose, then look your woman in the eye, and tell her you're out. Then find a woman who is conducive to the fulfillment of your purpose (hint: it's probably NOT that girl who got your attention - she was just the messenger).

3) While not a popular option, the pre-emptive move is to get real about your capacity for monogamy and establish up front in any relationship how you roll. "You might be my main woman, but not my only woman. We can only proceed if you are truly OK with this". You'll find very few non-self-abandoning women who are cool with this, but it's a trillion times better than making a promise you can't keep.

Here's what's NOT an option for any self-respecting man...

Letting your inner child run your life - the part of you that is seeking the comfort of woman, while also being terrified of displeasing Mama.

Being too afraid to have an uncomfortable conversation with your lady, while being willing to devastate the lives of your wife and kids for the little bit of excitement this new connection is offering.

This weakness makes us all look bad, and seriously impacts the future relationship happiness of those who are affected by it.

*****

If you're a man who suffers from the Nice Guy syndrome, it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to heal it.

First steps: self-education.

Books (in the order they should be read)...

📗 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' - Dr. Robert Glover

📕 'Relationship Samurai' - Sharif Joynson

📙 'The Way of the Superior Man' - David Deida

Second step: join a group of men who are all getting strong together.

I no longer offer coaching to men, but there are many in my circle who do. You’ll find some listed in the comments of the Facebook post version of this HERE

Real Men Tell Their Women What to Do*

Tell your woman…

To quit that job she hates because you’re going to provide for both of you. Tell her nothing is worth her being burnt out and exhausted and the light and joy she’ll naturally bring into your relationship when she is living freely is priceless to you.

Tell her to stop eating anything ‘low fat’, ‘diet’, or ‘slimming’, and to eat only what feels self-loving in her body. Tell her to buy the expensive stuff – organic, grass-fed, free-roaming, unpasteurized – and that you’re paying for it. Farms over factories wherever possible.

Tell her she doesn’t need to go to the gym. Her feminine body probably doesn’t really want to be triggered into fight or flight with high-intensity classes, or masculinized by high-impact movements. Tell her to ask her body how it would like to move instead – free dancing, gardening, chasing the kids around barefoot on the grass – whatever feels energizing instead of depleting for her. More ‘flow’, less ‘go’. Tell her you love her softness, and if you wanted someone with a hard body you’d have got with a dude.

Tell her to stop taking the contraceptive pill. Tell her that you regard the natural cycle of her hormones as sacred, and the thought of her causing disruption or harm at the core of her woman-ness feels painful in your body. Tell her you’ll both attune to and track her cycle instead. And… if she does get pregnant that’s fine because you won’t run away and will keep your beautiful family safe and thriving and that raising a child with this woman feels good in your soul.

Tell her to stop trying too hard, or caring what people think. Tell her she doesn’t need to prove herself to anyone and that most of the ways society has told her to prove her ‘worth’ is at best bullshit and likely oppression disguised as liberation. Tell her that the light she naturally emits when she lives in alignment with what her heart wants is the most impressive thing in the world.

Tell her to stop being so busy all the time and go and do whatever the frik lights her up. Tell her that the happiness she embodies when she has made time for herself is more important to you than her ‘working hard’. Tell her that you love how committed she is to taking care of your home, but not at the cost of her wellbeing. Tell her you’ll pay for a cleaner or whatever is needed.

Tell her to say ‘no’ more often. Including, and especially, to YOU. Tell her that every time she can feel in her body that something is a 'no' for her, and sets a boundary to keep herself safe, you respect her even more. Tell her it makes you feel safe too because it means you’re in less danger of hurting her unintentionally.

Tell her to make God more important in her life than you. Tell her that all the love and safety she seeks is already there for her, and that while you are committed to providing these things for her too, you are not and never can be her Higher Power. Tell her you’re both beautifully flawed human beings trying your best, and making God's Love your primary source of love is essential. For both of you.

Then, when you're done telling her...

Do everything you said you'd do.

---

*This is a deliberately tongue-in-cheek title. Don’t get hung up on the content - just feel the intent. Everyone is free to live how they want.

Feeling Like a King

FEELING LIKE A KING THIS WEEKEND 💙

Beth made me this Pimms (a traditional English drink) as King Charles' coronation played on the TV.

She put strawberries, slices of cucumber, and fresh mint leaves in there, but most of all, love.

When I'd finished it, I lifted the glass to show her it was empty, and smiled...

To which she responded by lighting up, and getting excited to go and make me another.

Just because she loves doing nice things for me.

☝️This makes me feel like a king 👑

The next day, my daughter (11) makes homemade BBQ sauce while I work the grill.

She'd already made a cake from scratch the day before. And earlier we planted seed potatoes together to harvest in a few months.

She declares that she wants to be a chef. And as highly skilled as she is academically, she's unafraid to pursue what she loves...

Despite what the world tells her she 'should' do.

☝️This makes me feel like a king 👑

I call up to my son (15), to ask him to cut the grass, he asks if he can have 5 more minutes on his game.

5 minutes later, I'm watching him push the mower around as I flip burgers. He doesn't say anything, but I can tell he likes being given these jobs.

Shirt off, working away in the sun, he has muscles I would have been envious of at 15.

When he's done, he squares up to me and we start to spar, using the skills I taught him. He says he would have beat me in a real fight.

I tell him he might be right.

☝️This makes me feel like a king 👑

Similarly, when I took him to the gun club the day before, and he was able to hold his own in a conversation with the old boys.

Observing the unwritten hierarchy, able to take the bantar that establishes who the elders are.

He doesn't hesitate to pick up a broom at the end of the session to sweep up the shell casings.

☝️This makes me feel like a king 👑

There is no dollar amount I would exchange this for.

These are the things that make me wealthy.

I want all men to experience this feeling.

To become the kings of their lives.

Get clear on what you want your life to look like. Then become the person for whom such a life is inevitable 🦁💛

The Avoidant Man | (Interview)

The Avoidant Masculine - an interview with Justina Victora