Help! I Don't Find Her Attractive Anymore!

In interviewing men and couples, I've come to learn that perhaps the single biggest complaint men have in relationship is losing attraction to their woman.

Their stories almost always follow the same pattern; they found their partner attractive at first, then over time there was a gradual decrease is sex, attraction and passion OR there was a major event such has having a child or a major upset that killed off the sex, attraction and passion is one foul swoop. 

The key difference though, is the perspective the man takes on who's fault it is. Some men frame the situation as them having a problem of not feeling attracted to the woman they love and will also feel lots of guilt as a result. They will keep the problem to themselves for fear of hurting their partner or being judged as shallow by others. They then may make all kinds of excuses to their woman for why they're not in the mood for sex. Conversely, they take the position that she's let herself go and doesn't make an effort any more and then feels resentment towards her. "If she's not making an effort, then how can I be attracted to her?", they may ask.

What we're going to look at here are the three levels of response a man can take when he finds himself in the position of attraction having been lost. 

Based on David Deida's three stages of intimacy (which is also the basis of Tony Robbins' three levels of love, BTW), I also categorize how we show up in our relationships in three ways; Survival, Give-Take & Living Love. 

Survival Response

In 'survival', self-protection is the default position. It usually manifests as making the other person wrong for whatever is happening as the ego seeks to protect its sense of self. In this case, this would be the man who resents his wife for not being attractive. At this level, he will expect her to sort herself out so that he can start to feel attracted to her again. Another way survival shows up is a more 'flight' than 'fight' type response. This would be where a man fears facing the problem and buries his head in the sand. In both cases, the man is surviving the pain of his own sense of failure and inadequacy, even if unconsciously.  

Give-Take Response

On the 'give-take' level of relationship, fairness and co-operation is the name of the game. It's a position where both partners have responsibilities to themselves and to the other. In the case of our lost attraction scenario, the man may take the position that there are certain things he can and should be doing to help his partner feel attractive but ultimately her issues is one of self-love. He then supports her in her journey to work with herself but ultimately it's her journey. There is nothing inherently 'wrong' with the give-take dynamic - it's the foundation of a healthy relationship. Much of the work I do is taking people out of their survival-based behaviours and getting them to give and take properly in relationship. But notice how my description of the give-take response lacks a certain passion. Particularly if you're a feminine woman reading this, you may have noticed a distinct lack of romance at the prospect of your man simply supporting you in your journey to self-love.

Men, let me invite you to the third level of relating... for it's in here that you can truly find YOURSELF as a man and use your situation as a platform to take your relationship to the highest level.

Responding By Living Love

When we are 'living love' we are truly loving. This doesn't mean just feeling love for our partner, but instead doing love. On this level, a man may look at his woman and see the lack of radiance, the loss of that feminine spark in her that once stirred feelings of desire in him, and at once feel sad at the loss of the woman he once had, disappointment in himself and also see and feel her.

See and feel what in her exactly?

Her heart's yearning; what it is she wants and needs in order to radiate again. And knowing this, a man who is living love will then proceed to love her back into her femininity and openness. 

Women, especially in the times we currently live in, don't actually need a man to do this. She is perfectly capable of opening herself, learning to self-love and radiate femininity all by herself.

But why should she? Or at least, why should be she solely responsible?

If you are her man, then you can be her man. And in so doing you can discover your own masculine capacity. Understand the following principles and try to work with them in your loving. 

She radiates when she is admiring you. For most men, significance is very high up on their list of emotional needs. This means feeling important, special, respected and admired by your partner. When you see these things in her eyes as she looks at you, you will feel the pull of attraction. Consider that often when men cheat it's when another woman admires him more than his partner. How to get her to admire you? Show up as the strongest version of yourself in your relationship. Give her as much of your time, energy and presence as you can. The core feminine position in relation to your masculine is her wanting to feel you wanting her. Write that down, tattoo it to the inside of your eyelids!  It's one of those 'If you only take away one thing' kind of things.

She admires you when you admire her. Compliments go a long way. But don't fake them. Take the time to consider the qualities in her you value and feel them. Then, express them. Often. Throughout the day, send her texts expressing these feelings. And get used to praising the qualities in her you want more of. If the situation is one where she has 'let her body go', then you must praise her for the physical aspects of her. She will feel motivated by love for you to give you more of what you want much more strongly than by changing an aspect of her you've expressed a disliking for. 

Make her your only woman. If you're having a physical or emotional relationship with another woman, stop it. Now. Do you really want to take your relationship to another level? Then make it your only relationship.

Also, quit porn.

Seriously. If you want to re-ignite your attraction to your woman then you need to re-train yourself to be sexually aroused by her. This won't happen if you have access to an almost infinite amount of sources of visual sexual stimulation. If you're going to masturbate, do it either to her or to yourself. Using porn you've made with her is fine! Those cheeky pics and videos you made when things were different? Go for it. Memories or thoughts of her... go for it. Or, you can do something that people rarely do. That is, when aroused and masturbating, do it only to that feeling... not to images either imagined or on screen. 

Tantric wanking. It's the way to go.

And so in summary, if you're not feeling as attracted to your woman as you would like to, it's because she isn't radiating femininity enough to polarize with your masculine. She can re-open into her feminine by herself, and certainly should be doing self-work just as you should be if you want your relationship to go deeper. But in her heart, she's yearning for YOU TO OPEN HER. You can initiate a positive cycle of admiration and attraction by TAKING ACTION and BEING FIRST... just a like a warrior. 

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