In this article we’ll be looking at the subject of single men who are wanting to improve their ability to attract and keep a woman.
But first, stay with me while I educate you a little bit on lifting weights. Trust me; it’s relevant.
When it comes to lifting weights, generally speaking, there’s bodybuilding and then there’s strength training.
In bodybuilding, there’s lots of attention on the ‘outside’- how the body looks on the surface. It typically involves a lot of isolation exercises where a single muscle is pumped up. It works at getting people big, but at the cost of causing muscle imbalances as the body is given lots of ‘unnatural’ movements. This can result in injuries over time and also create a body that doesn’t look so great if too much attention (or not enough) is spent on one muscle.
Strength training on the other hand is about just that – getting stronger. It uses a handful of ‘compound lifts’ that use large groups of muscles as the body gets taken through its natural human movement patterns (squatting, pressing, pushing, pulling, hinging). It strengthens the joints over time and reduces the risk of injury (especially in old age) and can correct poor posture. And while aesthetics are rarely the goal of the strength athlete, the compound lifts create a body that looks balanced and ‘natural’ and capable (providing they keep the body fat percentage down).
BTW, guys, it’s been proven that the ladies prefer a man who looks strong, athletically capable and natural. Huge biceps but with pencil legs? Massive chest muscles but slouching with terrible posture? Not sexy.
Incidentally, guess which method of weight lifting I mostly utilise for myself and my Personal Training clients? It’s a no brainer, isn’t it?
So, when it comes to the men I coach who are wanting to attract someone (or improve the relationship they’re in), I adopt a similar philosophy. We work from the inside out.
To explain this further, let’s a take a brief look at the PUA (pick up artist) world (which I don’t associate myself with). PUA’s use the phrases ‘inner game’ and ‘outer game’. Inner being your personal development as a man and outer being the techniques you use to pick up the girls and also your physical appearance.
Going back to my clients and their use of weights, I will utilize isolation exercises for aesthetic reasons but minimally and only after a lot of progression in general strength through the big compound lifts. You want to have a bigger this and more toned that? Well let’s fix your imbalances first and get you in all round good shape. And the funny thing is, after having attained that, they usually feel differently about whatever body part they were concerned with before because now they feel great in general having got strong all over.
And so with working with the fellas. They fear or feel weak in various aspects of their ‘game’… be it approaching girls, maintaining conversation, their own feelings of attractiveness or physical intimacy. The temptation is to isolate those problems and address them individually and only on the level of the problem (which is really just a symptom). They can get a wardrobe make over, learn some techniques for getting girls’ numbers, go to a tantric sex workshop etc. And these things all have their place for sure. But first, if you’re coming to me with these issues, let’s first look at you. The real you.
I’m more than happy to look at how a guy dresses or what’s going on with his hair and skin… but first let’s look at how you carry yourself. The physical level is postural alignment, but the cause for the slouching or shuffling is almost always rooted in one’s sense of identity.
We can look at what sort of things you’re saying and how you go about opening conversations with girls. No problem. But how about I get you to a place where you are fully embracing your masculine qualities, both light and dark? What if you could be so OK with yourself that you gave off an aura of emotional capability that tapped into the feminine core of the women around you? When your eye contact transmits the full depth of who you are and you can remain completely open with all people, you may find that the need for opening lines and leading questions shrinks significantly.
Problems with sexual intimacy quite obviously aren’t going to be cured by kegels alone (do those, by the way!) But exploring, highlighting and evaporating the sexual shame you maybe didn’t realise you carried? Getting to a place where you fearlessly brought your inner beast (that you do have) into the bedroom? That should do the trick.
As with using bodybuilding training methods over strength training, focussing on the outer game comes with its potential risks too.
The truth is, outer game stuff works. In the same way bodybuilding will get you big. But it works on a superficial level. You can be totally fucked up inside, but using the right techniques or ‘tricks’, approach a whole bunch of girls and get their numbers within a couple of hours. You may even be capable getting a lot of girls into bed.
But then what?
Sooner or later, you will very, very likely want to settle into a long term relationship with one of these people. But the problem is, you will attract someone who reflects back to you what is going on within you. And if you haven’t worked enough with that, then as you spend a significant amount of time with this person and you discover the parts of her you don’t quite like/can’t handle, you should know that what you’re really looking at is a reflection of your inner workings.
Or maybe you really like someone, but they’re not feeling you. And sure, through all your approaching of women you’ve become desensitised to rejection. But what if this person who you feel for would have actually been willing to go deeper with you had she not been able to detect some of your inner shit?
And here's the thing; if you are struggling to find love (and I feel for you, by the way). then it's hardly because you don't know enough chat-up techniques or because your clothes are last season. It's not the clothes, the lines, your body... it's you. And more specifically, the deeper parts of you.
So if you ask me? It’s self-work first. Inner before outer. Real strength before looks.
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